Adult problems and the role of parent
What does "being a good parent" mean? What would be the answer to this question if we think that in some times children were sacrificed to the gods and this not only did not scandalize, but was valued as positive, or that in some cultures the marriage of the girl is made according to certain rules set by the parents.
It is difficult to define what a "good parent" means or to take responsibility for asserting in front of your family or community that a parent is "not good."
Perhaps an important quality of the adult and implicitly of a parent would be the ability to perceive the child realistically.
But how much can you do, if you as an adult cannot realistically perceive yourself, if you don't know your reactions and motivations, or if you as a parent are in fact a "big kid".
I have often met parents who say that a child behaves "that way," "he wants to be bad," "he wants to drive us crazy."
They fail to realize if the child is sad or upset. Often, the child is assigned negative qualities of another person "you are as bad or selfish as your father".
These reproaches can be present all the time or only after a crisis. The child is defined as "bad", "bad", "cursed" which causes him to no longer trust and respect himself.
He is inoculated with the idea that he is bad and that he is doing badly, that he is crying not because he has a need, but because he wants to do bad things to his mother.
These scenes often make me wonder who the adult in the family is, or make me think of a scene between children and not a scene between an adult and a child.
The child is not seen as a child, with its developmental stages, with special needs, but is perceived as a psychically independent being, with adult reactions and with adult needs.
In other cases, parents are too concerned about their inner world and their own needs to take care of a child.
This is seen as a kind of "attachment": if the parent is hungry and the child has to eat and if the parent is not hungry, why would the child? He does not realize that the child also has personal, independent feelings and needs.
In other cases, much more serious, I have met parents who do not accept that it is the responsibility of the adults to take care of the child and not vice versa, who is always waiting for help, understanding, peace from the child.
If they have never been helped by their parents, expect this from the child they conceived.
Children thus become little adults. At a young age, domestic and survival skills have already been developed. I know how to take care of themselves and those around them.
It is the child "with therapeutic functions" who is no longer allowed to be a child without being accused of ignorance and disrespect.
Unrealistic expectations regarding the relationship with the child
Along the same lines, the unrealistic expectations regarding the child's collaboration are also being met. The child must behave as the parent wants, not depart from any norm and perform the tasks safely and perfectly.
They are expected to maintain a perfect cleaning and order, to stay quiet, to make no noise, to help their competent parent with household chores.
These expectations are too high for the child's age and too rigid. Parents, frustrated and educated themselves in a Spartan system, poured their anger on the child.
If it fails to live up to expectations, it is rejected and attacked verbally and physically, these practices being part of what should educate a child to become "whole".
Lack of skills triggers a flood of anger and failure leads to rejection. The child learns that education is by force, that performance is by force and that if he wants to achieve something he will have to prove toughness. Failure to do so means that he is incapable.
The "good enough" parent is the one who tries to engage positively in the relationship with the child, understand it, accept it and stimulate it. Thoughts, feelings, actions must have a realistic basis.
But it is difficult to try to understand another person or child, if you yourself as an adult have life experiences that make you unable to accept another value system or a realistic relationship to your own child.
The relationship established between the child and his parent is assumed to be a basic relationship, the premise of normality. In this context, violence appears as a phenomenon that goes beyond normalcy.
The multiple and varied causes are based in particular on the lack of communication and understanding, on the existence of difficulties in transmitting and decoding messages in the parent-child relationship or on certain environmental restrictions that hinder this communication.
A diagram of the "ideal" relationship implies: the adult who has the ability to protect the child and to ensure its conditions for growth and development, a child who has the instinctive ability to seek care of the parent, to express his emotions, pleasure or displacement. , capacities of the parent to anticipate the wishes of the child, capacities of the child to respond positively to the care provided by the parent, the existence in the family of emotional and material resources to ensure a calm climate and as free from conflict or stressful situations.