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Less obvious aspects of communication

Less obvious aspects of communication



When we talk about open and honest communication, we usually think of spoken words, verbalizations, confessions, etc. And, indeed, we all talk to our neighbors, we want to express and listen to thoughts, to share feelings verbally.
But, on a closer look, we realize that, besides the spoken words, we gather a lot of other information and from the tone and inflections of the voice, the mimicry of the face, the grimace, the intensity of the gaze, the gestures, the touches, the movements of the body, the distance or the proximity. between us and the one we communicate with, the energy it emits, the attitude and posture of the body.
Then, if we think well, we have people around us who understand each other perfectly and people with whom it is impossible for us to communicate, as if we were on different wavelengths. Things that attract us to certain people or things that make us shy away from others.
From here, we have only one step to realize that not all of us are the same in terms of how we communicate.
There are very talkative people and extremely silent people; good listeners or good advisors. Sometimes we say "Your look doesn't lie to me"; "I like the texture of his skin"; "I love the way he touches me"; "I can't have sex on music or when the TV is on"; "I feel very sexy in silk"; "He told me he loved me, but I could see he was lying to me"; "I usually have insomnia, but I sleep great when I feel my breath on my skin"; "I cannot sleep unless I hold the pillow in my arms"; "I feel like I can't talk to him, as if he doesn't hear what I'm saying."
Psychologists have distinguished several ways by which we exchange (receive and send) messages with the external environment. These are all so many channels of communication with others. The main channels of communication are the visual, the auditory and the sensory (or kinesthetic) channels. In principle, we all use them all, but each one of us has a favorite channel, which communicates mainly, the others being secondary and less efficient.
In the couple relationship, some partners prefer to hold hands all day, others constantly make declarations of love and others with a simple glance have said everything.
But what happens when the partners have different communication channels?
"He tells me in one that he loves me and I believe him, but I'd rather he hold me in my arms"; "I bought him an excellent leather jacket on his birthday. He said he was beautiful, but he wasn't excited. He said he was hoping to buy him that huge photo album."
If there are communication problems in a couple, there is a high chance that they will be caused by a mismatch between the two regarding their favorite communication channels.
We can find out which is the preferred way our partner communicates if we are attentive to the way he expresses himself and to certain preferences of language and behavior in certain situations. Here are some examples:
The one who communicates mainly by visual means: "It is seen that you have done so many years of school"; "I see that you will do so"; "How beautiful you are in this dress"; "I have a good visual memory, and nothing escapes my gaze"; "Why are you looking at me like that?".
The one who communicates mainly by ear: "It doesn't sound good what you want to do"; "Of all the arts, music excites me the most"; "I like your voice"; "Tell me what you did last night"; "Tell me you Love Me!".
The one who communicates mainly through the sensory, kinesthetic way: "It feels like you've done so many years of school"; "I don't think it's good what you want to do"; "I feel, I sense that you will do so"; "What good is it when you hold me in my arms!"
Sometimes, however, it is complicated to give a verdict regarding the preferred communication channel if we have insufficient information. For example: the silk may please us because it is fine on the skin, it shines beautifully or in a certain way. Or we can simply give a misinterpretation of the observations, depending on our preferences. In addition we have periods or situations when we prefer one channel and periods or situations when we "switch" to another.
However, it is important to be open and willing to learn other ways of communicating, if we notice that our relationship needs this.